It's Okay to Not be Okay

 

Here I am blogging and putting off the writing process.

I'm talking a big game for something that may never happen, but I'm trying.

The last couple of weeks have been a wild ride but I need to give a shout-out to a few individuals in the healthcare system and an update, as always.

I had finally recovered from my abdominal surgery and was fully prepared to head into my bladder surgery and be done when all hell broke loose once again.  I was enjoying my time in the meantime, catching up with friends once again, when..

A seemingly normal day turned into a bad one.

I've (fairly) recently reconnected with an old friend and had spent the day at her house drinking wine and just having the absolute best time in the world.  If you know me, I place a high value on old friendships, and there is truly nothing in the world I love more than being with people from my past.  Grateful for the opportunity to have a normal day just shooting the shit, it was finally time to go when it hit me - I'm not okay.

We left as it was my son's bedtime and in the five minutes it took us to get from her house to our house my body CRASHED.  What is terrifying is this is all it takes; this is why I'm paranoid to make plans, to commit, to follow through with anything - five minutes is all it can take to send my body into absolute turmoil.

My husband got my son to bed while I went into my stepson's bedroom (for whatever reason) and laid on the floor.  That's when the worst pain of my life hit and I knew this was not a normal flare-up; it was time to go.

We called the grandparents who graciously speeded over to take care of my toddler.  By the time we arrived at the hospital, I don't remember much.  I was too weak at that point to stand and had to be lifted into the wheelchair and eventually the hospital bed.  I was suffering from chest pains and it was determined that my heart has also been affected by the state of my gastrointestinal system, which had never happened before; this is the one thing that is always okay with me.  I spent the night/early morning there, it was attributed to a virus, and I went on my way.

I may have told 2 people I went into the hospital. At this point, I was just embarrassed.  This year has been so bad and it becomes a point where you are ashamed to admit to people "I'm in the hospital again."  I joked with my friend about what we chatted about the night before and played everything off like nothing happened.  I was so ashamed of my body, of myself, of failing to simply function, as I laid in the chair attempting to work from my computer the next day.  I didn't even tell my boss what happened because I didn't want her to know I had to go into the hospital yet again (I should note I have the best boss in the world - I was just mortified).

Two days later and I wasn't better.  I was at the point of sleeping on the bathroom floor and couldn't lift myself to even get on the toilet.  I knew this wasn't a simple virus anymore; it had gone on far too long.  While stomach viruses can be deadly for me, this was something more and I knew I needed to be fixed.  When I called my surgeon to let him know what was going on, he told me "you go to the ER NOW and you have them admit you - if they tell you to leave, you say there's no way you're leaving this place and have your husband back you up." So off we went.

I will start by saying it was the best hospital stay and ER experience I ever had.  My ER doctor was a 2010 UGA grad and I'm fairly certain we crossed paths in my healthier days.  Every nurse and other doctor who saw me greeted me by saying "hey, I know you" or "you've been here before" while I said "yeah, I get that a lot," and took care of me exactly how I needed.  For the first time, every person listened; when I said I believed something more was wrong, they did more testing, and; guess what - I had c.diff; so, as I believed, it was something more. 

Yeah, gross right?   Honestly, shocked it hasn't happened sooner.  As I've had four surgeries this year, I'm not shocked that the overflow of antibiotics caused it.  At this point, I admitted it to everyone; I'm in the hospital again. I've shut down.  It's okay.

I had an unbelievably caring nurse who shared a story with me of her best friend who had my same condition and had to leave the nursing profession because of how debilitating her condition was.  She knew how hard it was for me to go through everything I was going through, and when my medications were messed up, she had them fixed immediately.  She was overwhelmingly compassionate and someone I'll never forget.

I had a hard time transitioning back home after my stay and I've been dealing with some bladder flare-ups until my surgery June 2, but I'm hoping after that I'm done for a while.  I can confidently say that 2017 me would have never been able to handle 2021.  It would have been over for me.  I am thankful that in 2021 I have a mindset that is happy overall with who I am and who is in my life, that has a supportive friendship network and family.  There have been so many times where I could have given up and haven't because of how genuinely happy I am with life overall; minus this shitty health situation - 2017 was a different time.  

Working on dealing with sick guilt is different thing.  Trying to hide you're sick, not admitting you're okay, from work, from friends, from family is different.  No matter how many times you say "it's okay to not be okay," it's another to believe it.  

So that I'll keep working on.

Now back to that book....