Have you ever wondered what would have happened if your life had ended up differently? If you had chosen a different path, taken a chance, made another choice in lieu of one of your regrets? Selected one relationship over another, put more effort into something else over another passion? Or, just had the fates choose your overall path in a totally different light?
I recently read a book entitled "The Midnight Library" by Matt Haig (the following blog is spoiler-free, I promise - because if you haven't read it, I am telling you now that you must) and it completely blew my mind. I am thirty years old, but let me tell you, I feel as if I have already lived a thousand lives. You can usually mark my life changes by hospital stays, weight fluctuations, or, as I'm always teased about, a hairstyle flip (RIP to the Ashlee Simpson stage #neverforget - but can we?!). Why is it that when I feel like I'm going through an emotional crisis I feel the need to change my hair? It makes no sense. But I digress. I have lived in a body that was over 160 lbs due to my digestive system being unable to expel anything I was consuming (and, a bit of indulgence on my part - I'm not denying that):
to being a 150 lb law enforcement officer, dedicating my life to bodybuilding and being able to bench press more than I weighed when I was in somewhat of a remission phase and my meds were working,
to now, where I'm lucky if I actually tip the scale at 110 lbs (shout out to trying to balance a gastroparesis and IC diet).
Currently, I'm unable to work out as putting any pressure on my bladder sends me into a flare. The mental transformations, occupations and miles between these people in these pictures looking back at them is astounding.
While I was born with a paralyzed digestive tract and a dead colon, we never knew how it would impact my life until much, much later. I began college intending on entering the field of law enforcement and leaving my mark, doing all I could to be the best officer I could be, whatever agency I ultimately landed in. While I always wanted to start out being a police officer and eventually make it to the GBI, I was a runner and was not strong enough to pass the push-up test (hence my body-building stage with the best trainer out there - I was mortified). I "defaulted" to probation, never knowing that I would fall in love with it as much as I did. I ended up declining further interviews with the GBI after I had made it further in their process as I was enjoying felony probation so much. Sticking with probation led me the best professional experience I'd ever have, working with felony drug courts, meeting incredible offenders overcoming addiction, teaching me so much that would play into my own detox after being in the hospital for 3 straight months. I also learned that I'm probably too sensitive to be a police officer, that helping people for the rest of my life was what I wanted to do, and that's how I landed in advising.
I say all of that to show how beautiful fate works out. While I had such a different vision for my life, it worked out completely different from what I expected. If you told me my dream job would be academic advising when I was a kid, I would say you're crazy - aim to be the head of the FBI! However, people do not understand the amount of empathy and understanding goes into this occupation. Job aside, the novel also taught me about the bigger picture in life - WHY THE HELL DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN?!
I'm not going to sit here and say that I have had an easy life and I'm also not going to say I've been happy about the hard times, because I 100000% have not been. In the bad times, I have constantly wondered, "what if I was born healthy?!" How different would my life had been if I didn't have to worry about every single ingredient in every food I consume, what pain level I'd be at for the day, where the nearest hospitals are, whether or not I'd be able to work? Would I still be that law enforcement officer? Would I still have some friendships? Did I lose some relationships because people were sick of not being able to hang out with me, or just hearing my crap? Wouldn't I be so much more fun and easier to be around if I didn't have all of these issues? I found this quote from the novel beautiful:
"It is so easy, while trapped in just the one life, to imagine that times of sadness or tragedy or failure or fear are a result of that particular existence. That it is a by-product of living a certain way, rather than simply living. I mean, it would have made things a lot easier if we understood there was no way of living that can immunise you against sadness. And that sadness is intrinsically part of the fabric of happiness. You can’t have one without the other. Of course, they come in different degrees and quantities. But there is no life where you can be in a state of sheer happiness for ever. And imagining there is just breeds more unhappiness in the life you’re in.’"
BAM. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It is so easy to imagine the "what-ifs?". What if I was still that healthy, strong weightlifter? What if I didn't have pain all of the time? What if "X" was still in my life? What if I had chosen "X" over "Y"? I'm sure I'd be happy then...
But is that true? What are the repercussions for that? What do you lose by living that particular life; what life lessons are given up as a consequence?
I have done so much reflection this year on everything that has happened to me, as I mentioned on a previous blog, and this novel just made me examine my entire life with a more thorough microscope. How much has having this difficult life taught me that I would have lost if things were easy?
I'll share another quote that resonated with me:
"we spend so much time wishing our lives were different, comparing ourselves to other people and to other versions of ourselves, when really most lives contain degrees of good and degrees of bad.’"
No life is free of heartbreak, trials, struggles, or pain. I have hurt in this one and I'm sure if I lived in another life, I'd hurt in that one. What I do know, is this life I am living has taught me a hell of a lot. People show up for me. While I mourn friendships I have lost, or lost touch with, I have had so many people show up for me this year, and in the past, when I need them. You know who you all are and you mean the freaking world to me. I cannot begin to put a price on how much that means to me and I aim to be the friend you are by your incredible example. I do not have time to hold grudges or be angry about things anymore; I have just learned to let things go. I have said and done hurtful things in the past. People make mistakes and all we can do is aim to be better for those that we love.
Empathy. It's probably my favorite strength that I have in the Clifton Strengths-Finder Test, and I promise you that prior to 2012 thit would not have been listed as one. I was privileged, selfish, and had not really had to struggle. My issues with my health had not truly come to the forefront at this time and I was just a college kid making it through. Working with the populations I did during my time as a felony probation/parole officer taught me so much socially and mentally I've been through the wringer when it comes to my mental and physical health. You never know what someone is going through. Always consider someone else's perspective. Do something kind for someone. To quote the Midnight Library once more, "never underestimate the big importance of small things."
It's so easy to imagine if a different relationship/friendship would have worked out or if someone was in your life, if you did not have this mental/physical issue, if this job or that job would have happened, but where would you be with it? Can you still repair something you've lost? It's never too late to reach out to someone, make things better, work on something that you'd like to. At least that's what I'm trying to do. Make lemons out of lemonade whenever possible.
While you're in this particular life, you can make in the best possible one that you can. I'll end with this quote..
"So let’s be kind to the people in our own existence. Let’s occasionally look up from the spot in which we are because, wherever we happen to be standing, the sky above goes on for ever....The impossible, I suppose, happens via living. Will my life be miraculously free from pain, despair, grief, heartbreak, hardship, loneliness, depression? No. But do I want to live? Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes."
