2021. It is finally here and I feel as if not much has truly changed.
This blog is going to be a quick one and more of a life update. I have a little bit of a life update and a bigger project in the works (more on that in a bit).
First, I want to start off with a bit of gratitude. Looking back at the end of the year, November and December gave me some of the best, healthiest moments of 2020, with so many sprinkles of happiness. I had the occasional flare-ups of pain, of course, but the good outweighed the bad. I spent valuable moments with my family and friends and made memories that will last a lifetime.
I had anxiety leading into Christmas, as it was going to be my first one without my grandmother, and my first one without a big family gathering. Mostly, I wanted to be able to enjoy it - this meant being extra cautious with food and sending up all the prayers that I could truly have a few days pain-free and filled with health to maximize the time with my sons, husband, sister, and parents. Luckily, these prayers were answered, and while I could not quite chug as much as everyone else during "Ring of Fire," I thoroughly enjoyed Wayne in prime form.
However, things have quickly decline since Christmas. I have, once more, truly struggled to function on many days, and my pain has been all-encompassing. Thank goodness for my phone and books, as they have helped occupy my time, but even some days the pain has been so bad that I cannot concentrate enough to read. My husband has had to pick up the slack with my toddler and around the house - always the rockstar.
I am doing what I said I would never do (as documented on this blog) and having another operation. I have maximized every medication I possibly can and there is truly nothing left for me to do but to have another bladder surgery to see if it can provide relief. The only correlation we can see between me being somewhat human in November & December is the fact that I had my last bladder surgery September 28th, so here we go again - let's hit that insurance deductible 22 days into the year!
While I am absolutely dreading the recovery as it has been insanely painful, I am keeping my fingers crossed for the payoff. I cannot keep going the way I am and I want to return to the land of the living, being a wife, a mom, a friend.
2021 also has my plate full of many projects. I mentioned to my husband that I hope I do not overwhelm myself, especially with my health currently in the state that it is. I want to do my job the best that I can, to enjoy my side projects, to be the best mom, and to commit to the project I have long debated in doing, which is..
Writing a book. I know many of you have suggested I write one over the years, but it has long been a personal goal of mine. With the chaos that was 2020 throwing my health into the absolute blender, it further affirmed that I wanted to put this all on paper. I recently read Sarah Ramey's "The Lady's Handbook for Her Mysterious Illness" and it had my heart in pieces. It's the author's personal testament to dealing with a chronic illness, being shuffled from doctor to doctor, being dismissed, poorly treated by health providers, and her personal struggle. It resonated with me so much and further motivated me to finally begin writing.
One piece that was not talked about much in the book (and absolutely did not have to be if the author did not struggle with it) was mental health. I have long struggled with mental health issues, further exacerbated by my medical struggles. It is something that I want to address and touch on as I think it is absolutely vital in today's time - so many people are dealing with these issues, whether they have a chronic illness or not.
Of course, reliving this, from the very beginning, means visiting a lot of trauma, as I knew it would. It's difficult to re-experience and write it down and I often have to take breaks. I am not proud of the person I was at a young age by any means, and while I have no problem admitting my faults as a young individual, it is difficult to relive what I went through at that time. I do not want to know how horrific it will be to start re-visiting the later hospital stages! It's likely this project will take a while and who knows how it will turn out - writing a blog is much different from a book! And who am I to say my life is that fascinating? At times, I feel a little self-important. However, I think the message is significant - I have always wanted this life of suffering to mean something. If what I have gone through encourages somewhat to seek out help for their depression, self-harm, to seek another medical professional, or just know that someone else is going through the exact same thing, that means a lot to me.
Finding others online within the chronic illness community helped me through some dark, difficult times. Reading Ramey's book (specifically chapter 18) made me realize that I wasn't alone. If I can do that for someone else, I would like to at least try.
So here's to 2021.. fingers crossed for a successful surgery, relief, and for following through with my very first resolution.
I'm counting on you all to hold me to it.
