Searching for the Light..

 

So, you want to write a book instead of a blog - what is that going to be like?

First, I realize that I'm not a writer.  Blurb posts are far easier than a cohesive body of work.

Second, I realize there is a lot of trauma I've experienced and haven't dealt with.

Third, this is turning out to be so much different that I expected.

I initially thought, let's just talk about being sick - this will help those experiencing the effects of being chronically ill and disabled.

Which led to - whoa, I can't forget about mental illness here; and we all know I'm open about self-harm and how that's important to address.

..there are also a lot of important people and events that have shaped me into who I am today, whether or not they're a part of my life anymore.

I have also held a lot of different lives.  Blessed day, look at the physical transformations I have undergone.  Let's not forget about the important experience I held working with drug court, addicts and what an important role that's going to play later on.

..and here we are.

While I feel a bit self-serving with it all and currently sitting at 12,685 words of my own life that is probably going to take a further 16 and a half months of perfecting (at a minimum), it's interesting.  Some of the most difficult parts for me heading into the future is choosing which traumas to address and which ones do I decide to leave out.  For heavens' sake, I've had nineteen surgeries at this point, no one wants to get into the nitty-gritty of each one.

While I took the advice of "keep the story, change the names," I also have to acknowledge that there are some events that have gone on that are bigger than me.  While I don't mind being as self-depreciating and as open about my life as I can, there are events that happened in 2017 and 2018 beyond what people know that I simply cannot reveal because the picture is must larger than myself.  I will say that the people who held me up during this time know who they are and you are the reason that I am here today - I owe you a debt of gratitude that I will never be able to repay, and thank you for being a friend that I could only wish to aspire to be.  No worries though, I have enough traumatic events to go around.

There are some things I will have to do in-depth research on and conduct family and doctor interviews with because I was incoherent or comatose at the time.  I have medical records to gather and pore over to see what exactly happened, because although I have one of the most ridiculous memories in the world (this is a skill, if you know, you know), I've also been anesthetized for a lot of my life, and while I could quote most of the gastrointestinal system to you, there are still things I don't understand.

Creating my life playlist on spotify has probably been my favorite part of the entire thing, and if nothing comes of this "book," it will have been worth it.  It will also be something that I can pass on and share with those that I love, including my son, if the world never gets to see it.  Just sharing what I had with my parents meant a lot the other day, even though I know it was difficult for both of them to read, as evidenced by my mother's email after finishing.

Despite what I can't share, I will still never be able to play Johnny Cash's "Hurt" and write that 2017 chapter, so I'll be skipping all around and writing the happy times until then.

For an update in the health arena, we've got the good and bad news.  The good news is I'm in somewhat of a remission in both IC & digestive arenas.  It's during these periods that I feel like I do all that I can, in this "euphoric" phase, because I know I'm living on borrowed time until the dark time appears again.  While I'm living with the daily pain, I can manage it for now, so I'm going to take advantage of every single moment.  

My doctor doesn't quite know what to do with the stomach sitting in the pelvis situation to help improve things, and even if a surgery is successful, he can't guarantee that it will improve my situation.  I don't want to explore it right now either.  Mentally, I can't be in a hospital.  I don't want to be hooked up to IV drugs or undergo another operation; I'm exhausted and don't want to be on those medicines.  I was watching Ironman last night and started weeping when I saw him hooked up to the EKG machine and heard the beeping - my mind is truly not in the right place for all of this, the PTSD is just too much.

So fingers crossed that we can avoid the hospital and I can keep enjoying this, dare I say, semi-normal? life for now.

Can I include song titles again? I'm listening to Searching for the Light by VHS Collection, because that's what I'm doing..