So here we are, nearing the end of 2020, closing on what has been, undoubtedly the most difficult year of my life. Every year I think that things cannot possibly become worse, but somehow, the universe seems to challenge that theory, and I pray 2021 can't top it. This blog is going to start off a bit negative, but, I promise you - I'm not keeping things that way! Keep reading; my negative nancy vibes don't last for long. However, to give you some background on my fear of the years and why this is justified, the track record stands as follows:
2015 - colectomy with a 1 month hospital stay
2016 - the failure of my colectomy and what was a horrible cancer scare
2017 - my ileostomy placement that led to a 3 month hospital stay and an additional surgery, 40 pound weight loss, my body becoming dependent on opioids in the hospital as a result of the stay and insane pain and additional surgery, being tube-fed for over a month
2018 - my closest friends know why this year was the toughest for me and you and your friendship are truly invaluable - I love you with all my heart and thank you for being here for me
2019 - my gastroparesis retaliated with a vengeance
2020 - reference my "Frail State of Mind" blog and those prior to get a recap
Despite having a failed operation, a new diagnosis that has drastically altered my life, made it difficult to function on many days, and having to now juggle a multitude of conditions, I feel like 2020 has been the year that I have truly found myself. As corny as that may sound, it is true. As I look back on past ages, me being 17, 20, 22, 24, etc., the core of me is still there - I am still that crazy, loud, emo-music loving, empath, unfiltered person, and that part of me will never change. On the other hand, a lot can be said for maturity and I feel as if this year has made me grow up more than ever. I have had to truly examine who I am, who I want to be, and what matters most to me in life. Having a kid will definitely fix your priorities - anyone who has a child knows that; but whether or not you are a parent, 2020 has been a difficult year for anyone where we have all had to drastically alter how we operate on a day-to-day basis. It has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on how I can mentally handle my new condition on a daily basis and in the future.
On an unrelated note, this time at home has made me miss relationships that I once had. I have truly started to miss friendships that I had with people I was once close with but may not be close with anymore. I have loved reconnecting with some old friends, but missed some I have not. While it's difficult to get together with people in the COVID age, simple text messages and phone calls are an easy way to get in touch. Sometimes it's disappointing to not receive a follow-up message or wonder where you went wrong in a friendship. Admittedly, I place a lot of blame on myself for placing a lot of attention on my condition over the years and not making myself available to others. I am an extremely nostalgic person and miss people more than the average person (in my opinion - this is totally unverifiable, I acknowledge this). If you're a friend reading this that would like to reconnect, please reach out. I miss those from high school and beyond. As mentioned before, the empath in me cares and feels so much for anyone who's ever entered into my life, and as I now feel like I have gotten a hold on my conditions, I am so ready to repair relationships I've let go in the past as a result of placing so much attention on my medical issues.
It may have taken a full eleven months to finally do so, but mentally, I feel like I am finally in a better place to have a handle on my conditions and everything that has happened this year. That is not to say I am happy about it - but I now have the mental capacity to accept, live and cope with my illnesses. I appreciate each and every good day and try to maximize my time (well - I say that; my husband will beg to differ with me - he's still waiting on me to actually do some push-ups and crunches like I say I will do on a good day 😊). If you had told me I would have this attitude back in March, I would say you were insane. In March, I was ready to let it all go. I was living for Jackson, and Jackson only; if there was no Jackson, I likely would not be here. I still apologize for the bad days when my husband has to do the tasks around the house and take care of our son, which I shouldn't as I know it's out of my control, but I've become better at realizing that it's okay - I can't blame myself for this and these days are going to happen.
I have mentally accepted that I am a person living with a disability and a chronic illness and things will have to be adjusted for me. That does not mean, however, that I cannot live life to the absolute fullest in the way that I can for me. I can still have a blast, enjoy time with friends, be the bubbly, wild, insane person that I am, play with my insane toddler, be a good wife, the best stepmom to these growing boys (they were seriously just tiny people 2 seconds ago), and all of the "normal" things "regular" people do. On my bad days, it's okay to say I can't. There may be more of those during some periods (like last week - boy, it was rough), and I may have some really good stretches; I really never know. But damn, just take advantage of every single good day, because they're the actual best.
While I may have the worst stroke of luck I feel, the one thing that has come together for me this year is my job. When I was in high school, I always knew I wanted to do something in the vein of law enforcement. I wasn't totally sure what that would be (maybe something with investigations) but I knew I wanted to be involved with the Criminal Justice system. Stress and my illness pushed me out, but helping people with drug accountability courts made me realize I wanted to help others as a lifetime career and academic advising completely filled that role. Being hired as the academic advisor for the Criminal Justice program, the same program I graduated from, has made my heart unbelievable full. Helping these students makes me SO happy. Even when there are high stress times, it's a GOOD stress, and I truly adore these students. My adoptive mother asked me recently "How does it feel to find your forever job?" and I thought, it feels SO amazing. I won't apply for another job the rest of my life - I am really here to stay. Of all of the things that don't work out for me, this has and I could not be more grateful.
We read a book for a book club I'm in recently where characters make a deal with the devil for one of their most desired wishes in exchange for a shorter life and, of course, to sell their soul. It got me thinking - when the clock turns 11:11, when I see a shooting star, when I blow out candles on a birthday cake, I've never wished for anything different other than "to be healthy." If presented with the same opportunity, would I trade years of my life for the same thing? While I would undo all of this suffering and the PTSD I have because of it, it has shaped me into who I am now. I see the world completely differently, place value on different things, appreciate things more than one normally would. As much as being in this body that I have sucks, it has truly changed who I am, arguably for the better in some cases, and led me to a place in life that I am grateful for.
With all that has happened to me, the one thing I want is to make this suffering worth something. I don't know how to do that, where to get started, or what to even make of it all. Do I write a book? Be a motivational speaker? Do something on a social media platform? Start a Tik Tok (totally kidding on that one - I will not start a tik tok.)? Those are completely lofty goals, but I want to make this life that has been chosen for me worth something. I want to help others that have found themselves in a situation like me know that they can get through all of this, no matter how bad it seems.
Don't get me wrong, I sometimes question this on the bad days. I have to constantly refer myself back to the mindset I do on the good and remind myself of what I'm living for. It takes a lot of positive thinking, medication, and a support system that I could not be more thankful that I have.
I told myself that if I got through this year I would get a tattoo of my favorite band (you already know, The 1975)'s lyric "Give Yourself a Try" tattooed on me. If there is one thing I've done this year, it's given myself a try. Just like the song says also, I feel like I got "spiritually enlightened at 29." I have really given myself a chance at being a wife (hey, if covid quarantine didn't make me and Ben kill each other, there's proof enough), at being a mother, at becoming who I am. I have always been unapologetically myself, no matter what, and this year has proven that. I've given myself a try to survive despite having all the cards stacked against me.
I'll continue to do that and try to make this life worth something, all with the help of those around me.
